run

Thursday, July 27th, 2023

Y’all. 

I stepped on a bug glue trap on my way out again. 

I just. Y’all, I just….just oof. 

POST-RUN MORTUM

Running Time: 28 Minutes 

Distance Achieved: 1.93 miles 

Tunage: Guilty Pleasures Podcast

Outside Temperature: 95,000°

Dew Point: A Billion 

Air Quality: I think it’s more quantity over quality at this point

There is not enough water in the world to satiate my thirst right now. The planet Earth does not have enough H2O to revive the depletion I am feeling. 

My mouth is a field of cotton, burning after a cigarette butt was carelessly thrown into it. 

I am every dried starfish that ever sat dusty on a shelf in every seaside gift shop. 

I am the dried tomato what fell out of the construction worker’s Subway Sandwich™️ (#eatfresh #availableforpartnershipopportunities), crusty and dehydrated, baked into the asphalt. 

I am Lot’s Wife turned pillar of weeping salt.  

I am itchy from where the glue trap slapped me on my calf after I ripped it off like a bad waxing job. 

I am fucking hot. 

And I’m annoyed. Firstly because Lot’s Wife should have her own name. That’s just some patriarchal, biblical oversight. The woman turned to salt, ok? Put some respect on that. Secondly, I should have been at the beach today, but plans change, and I cannot get to the beach for trying. NOT FOR TRYING. So, we pivot back to fucking running when I should have been by the ocean, baking with pleasure in the sun until at last finding relief in the salty brine of the Atlantic, but NOPE, I choose to run instead. Remember the other day when I was like, “Oh, I missed running on my days off. I’m enjoying this schedule.” That version of myself is a fucking idiot, and you should not have heeded her no mind. Not one iota of mind. 

 I’m further annoyed because I thought I was nailing it today, y’all. Like, genuinely nailing it. This app tells you when you’ve made it to the halfway point, and today, I ran further than I’ve ever gone. I was way past my usual halfway point, so I am ANNOYED and perplexed by the distance I went today. 

It doesn’t make sense. 

Because I ran further. 

But somehow. 

Moved less? 

WHAT IN THE LAWS OF PHYSICS IS THIS MADNESS?!

And sure, it’s not less than when I ran in the rain, but what happened to my 2.16 stride!? Am I, like, getting worse at this? I blamed it on the rain last time, and yes, today was the Devil’s ass crack in terms of temperature, but is it me? Hold please, googling something¹. 

I literally googled “why is my running getting slower.” This article had the following to say: 

14 Reasons You’re Running Slower

• Changes in weather
• Not replacing old shoes
• Lack of variety in pace
• Too low overall mileage
• Lack of long runs
• Overtraining syndrome: running too much mileage
• Lack of mental stimulus or engagement
• Poor sleep quality or not enough sleep
• Too much stress
• Not eating enough calories or carbohydrates
• Weight gain
• Iron deficiency
• Increase in age
• Improper or not enough recovery

Ok, so, let’s address these, shall we? 

Changes in weather –  yes – hurricane on Tuesday, Devil’s ass crack today. 

I have new running shoes. Well, newish, they’re like four months old. 

Lack of variety in pace – I’m not sure what this means exactly? I’m doing the interval stuff, so I think there’s variety? 

Too low overall mileage – that’s literally what I’m googling about. That can’t just be the problem; you have to tell me why my mileage is low. 

Lack of long runs – I mean, interesting, the longest run the app’s had me do this far is 31 minutes, so it could just be pacing of it? And when it was 31 minutes, I was getting over 2 miles, so maybe that is a real culprit. 

Overtraining – could never be me. 

Lack of mental stimulus/engagement – I don’t know, dude, I just downloaded the new Sims 4 horse expansion pack, and that shit has me engaged. Unless they mean on the run, in which case, maybe I need to run to music and not podcasts? Because I can’t run and play the Sims at the same time. That….I don’t think that’s possible. 

Poor sleep – duh, I’m a millennial with anxiety and PTSD. Of course I have poor sleep, you stupid dumdum, gawsh. 

Not eating enough – 😬😬😬😬😬😬😬 no comment 😬😬😬😬😬😬

Weight gain – fuck you, how dare you, I hate you – also, I don’t think I’ve gained, but also, WE ALL FLUCTUATE. 

Iron deficiency – could very well be. I’ve always had a low count. Like, I can never donate blood because it’s always low. I should…..probably take a vitamin….? 

Increase in age – bitch, my age has increased since I started writing this post. 

Improper/not enough recovery – I mean, I’m giving myself a full day in between runs and then a few in between my last and then the next one for the week. But I think stretching could be good to implement? I know I’ve said I’d do that, and I haven’t yet, and I’m working on it, ok, so, just like, chill out. Don’t pull a hammy worrying about it. 

So, weather, sleep, calories – I will be better about this one because I have to be better about this one, I will be better about this one because I have to be better about this one, I will be better about this one because I have to be better about this one – iron, and recovery. Ok, these all seem like achievable things to address. Also, I feel like an idiot, but like, it was a shorter running time today, so there’s that too. I just really did travel farther. That’s what I’m confused about. It’s like Runicorn, my guy; why hath thou forsaken me? 

Ok. So I’m going to go do my other workout now and then I’m going to take a shower and wash the literal salt lines that have formed on my body because today I ran, again, in the Devil’s ass crack, or did I not mention that? ✌️✌️

OH FUCK YES, WATERMELON IS HIGH IN IRON BB I AM JUST GOING TO HOSE THIS WHOLE GOD DAMN MELON RIGHT NOW YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS. Ugh. This is the win I needed today. May you all find your watermelon bliss. 

1. I wish you could see my Google history. It’s this incredible hodgepodge of running questions, Sims cheat codes, and recipes. Jesus, is this what I’m becoming?! ↩︎