run

Week Five, Day 2

Thursday, August 10th, 2023

POST-RUN MORTUM

Running Time: 31:00 minutes

Distance Achieved: 2.6 miles 

Tunage: Disney Playlist – Primarily Frozen 2 because, it’s the best and “Show Yourself” took me out today

Spotted Lantern Flies Killed: 6

TWO POINT SIX MILES Y’ALL. TWO POINT MOTHER FLIPPING SIX MILES. Damn, I wish I’d been in a better headspace last week to set the goal of 2.5 because, wowzers, did I slap that out of the park today. 

I went on a new route, which I think was helpful in cracking this next part of my running, and I hope that I will continue to stay in this area. My legs are feeling stronger and, AND AND AND, today, the running intervals were 8 minutes each!! And I was ok!! 

Also, I have to come clean. There is a pep in my step today, quite literally, I think, because yesterday I got some extraordinary news. And on top of that, I think we all needed this Thursday’s run to be a good one. We needed to break the cycle of dark Thursdays, and, at least for this week, we have. 

It was wild, though. I got the news of this good news yesterday morning, and before really having a chance to process it, I rolled right on into therapy, which was actually great because what better place to process things, and we had such great talk in that session, and it’s left me with a lot to think about, in really positive ways. The number of breakthroughs and discoveries I’ve had in the last few months have been staggering, and it’s a testament to Amy and her whole demeanor and mind, and some of it – a lot of it – has been hard, but the good kind of hard. It’s part of the reason why I feel so good about writing all of this down and sharing it with you, even the messy shit. I am dropped into myself in a way that I haven’t been for years, and now we are in the phase of recovery where we start to make a game plan, right? How do we move forward through habits that have both served us and harmed us in the past? How do we find new habits that will serve and help us in the future? 

I think, if I’m being honest with you all, that the running is, Jesus Christ, I’ll deny ever having said this if pressed, but I think the running is helping? WHO EVEN AM I I DON’T KNOW. But it is? Ugh, god, it’s happening. Esteban made a joke the other day, and he said I liked this more than I was willing to admit, but I don’t think he’s wrong. And yes, I understand that my opinions on this sport change with my “success” rate in terms of mileage and I have had good days as well as bad days, and none of that is going to change, but on the whole, if I really look at it, so far this has become 30ish minutes of my day that I really look forward to. Again, I’ll deny having ever said that, and you can’t prove that I ever said it to begin with, but it’s nice to be creating a habit that isn’t rooted in self-harm. 

That feels like a win today. 

And yeah, I am floating on the news from yesterday and I’m feeling proud of myself in ways that are both shocking and unfamiliar, and maybe Saturday I’ll be in another k-hole of a doom spiral, but for today? I’m choosing to lean into the light. I’m choosing to lean into myself, because no matter the harm that has been done to me, both from external and internal forces, I am starting to believe that I, in this body right now, can be enough. 

At least for today. 

Wow, y’all. What a difference a day makes.