run

Week Six, Day 3

Friday, August 18th, 2023

POST-RUN MORTUM

Time Running: 32minutes 

Distance Achieved: 2.19miles 

Tunage: Hamilton 

*You simply must listen to the song “Grown Ass Woman” by my extraordinary friend, Shaina Taub. It, as pretty much everything Shaina writes, encapsulates basically everything I’ve ever felt because Shaina has the singular ability to write directly to my soul. Ok. That’s all. Give it a listen. 

You know that feeling when you’re a grown-ass woman, and yet you feel the need for constant permission? Like, sometimes, making a decision on your own can land you in the dregs of an existential crisis that can have you sitting on the floor for a little while? If you don’t know that feeling, I am genuinely so unbelievably happy for you, and I’m also dubious that you are, in fact, human. But if you do know that feeling, well, welcome. I hope this post finds you sitting comfortably on the floor of your choice, because you know firsthand, and well, how the floor is, has always been, and will always be your friend. 

For those of you with a keen eye, you’ll see that today’s date is not a Saturday. Welcome to existential crisis number one. Tomorrow is an absolutely packed day. I work an 8-hour shift starting at nine, and then we have friends over for dinner. The part of my brain, and by now you’ll likely recognize it to be a very loud and dominant part, that is rigid and stubborn and sadistic, told me to woman up. To get up at 6:30 tomorrow morning, go for the run, then come home and get everything into the Instant Pot so it can simmer while I’m at work. I was settling into the misery my morning would be, contemplating how many times I would hit the snooze before I eventually dragged my ass out of bed and begrudgingly went on the run where I figured I would be so tired and groggy and get in a rather mediocre run. Besides, if I went tonight, then I would be off of my schedule, right? And as I’ve said since the beginning, consistency, and discipline is key to this process, right? So what does it mean if I veer from the plans I’ve put in place? What does it say about my willpower to be deterred by what will likely be an 18-hour day? Does it mean my credibility with you, dearest and most darling reader, is shot? 

The second existential crisis arose when I was on the run that I just did on this Friday evening. Spoiler alert: I went. I just came off of working a shift at the coffee shop, and it has to be said, compression socks for the win. My legs are not as swollen, and my ankles don’t feel like someone Miseryed them. And when I got in, I had a decent amount of energy, which is why I found myself on the floor. Because to do the run now would be to break every rule I had put in place. And if I broke this rule, who’s to say I won’t just start breaking other rules? So, down on the floor I got, and I texted Colby because he is my best friend in the whole world. 

And because I needed permission to go on this run tonight. 

I needed to talk it out, my thought process for breaking the schedule. I needed to hear someone else say that, yeah, it’s okay to cut yourself a break, which is SO UNBELIEVABLY HARD FOR ME TO DO. Extending grace to people is one of my favorite things to do, but very often, too often, I draw the line at extending it to myself. But I think this is why I found myself sitting on the lacquered hardwood; there is a new voice emerging inside of me. She’s quiet, and yes, this voice is a she, but she is there. And she’s telling me that it’s okay to take care of myself. That I am allowed to cut myself some slack. That it is perfectly alright for, god forbid, me to make things easier on myself. What a concept, right? And again, maybe you know how this feels. If you are anything like this perfectionist, you’ll know how tricky it is to see the road you’ve mapped out and to feel the unwillingness to go down it. And most times, I force myself down that road with all of its thorns and exposed roots and smog. But maybe there’s always been another easier path? I don’t mean easy as in everything is always going to be easy breezy, but perhaps there is an alternate route that won’t leave you depleted and hurt. 

It is a foreign and wholly revolutionary concept for me to wrap my head around, but I will say, this process has led to a lot of healing, in very surprising and unexpected ways. And these newer, healthier voices are emerging and replacing the toxic ones that love to clap back with everything they have. 

All this to say, there was a third existential crisis that happened on the run itself. I think I absolutely underestimated how tired I actually was. I’d just gotten home, and I had some recharging puppy playtime with Pete and felt like I could run for days. Ok, not days; y’all know me well enough to know I didn’t actually mean that, but when my boy Runicorn told me that today we had a straight 22-minute run with no walking intervals, I was so sure I could do it without stopping. But then I got on the route, and my body felt heavy. Every step was labored, and I felt the full force of my body fighting against gravity with every push of my foot against the ground. I knew I needed to walk. Either that, or I would likely fall, and then I don’t know that I would have been able to get back up. That dark voice came to the surface then, and he spoke those awful things he usually says. 

Quitter. 
Lazy.
If you weren’t so fat, you could do this. 
You should be farther along. 
Everyone is looking at you. 
Everyone is going to see you fail. 
What, are you really going to stop? 
It’s only 22 minutes. 
This was a mistake. 
I knew you couldn’t do it. 

And then, the most amazing thing happened. 

I honored what my body needed, and I walked for a little bit, and the world didn’t end. I worried that I might feel, I don’t know, ashamed or upset that I had to add in some walking intervals, but I was able to complete the workout. Not only that, but I was able to complete it in a healthy way. Today, I chose not to hurt myself for my goal, and I’m just unbelievably proud of myself for that. 

And yeah, like, do I wish I’d gotten further? Sure. Is there a part of me that wonders if I had just gone tomorrow morning if I maybe would have had a more productive workout? Absolutely. Am I going to ruminate on these things once I walk away from writing this? …..ok, I might, but only a little. But this new job that I have is going to conflict with this schedule, I just know that it is. I don’t know if it’s going to be an all the time thing, but there will be days where I will need to run on a day that is not Tuesday, Thursday, or Saturday. And that is going to have to be alright. I am going to get the three runs a week in, but I’m not going to break myself to do it. 

I am not going to break myself to do it. 

Because, I’m telling you right now, there is a shift happening in the way that I talk to myself. It’s subtle, and it’s small, and most of the time, I’m not sure that I can trust this newer, kinder voice, but I want to. I think it’s telling me that the only permission I need to get is from me. And if that isn’t growth, then I don’t know what is.