5K
Sunday, October 29th, 2023
It is 6:26 in the morning, and I am on the train. Colby is with me, his spirits bright and encouraging for this time before the sun has even risen over Brooklyn.
Did I only get maybe two hours of sleep last night? Yes. Is my cough perhaps the worst it’s been during this bought of whatever viral plague has a death grip on the city? One thousand percent. Were the heels that I wore to an event last night maybe not the best call for my feet and knee hours before a 5K? Potentially, but I looked gewd in them, so I’ll take that L for what it was.
All of this to say, I am feeling **fine**. Would I have liked to go into today feeling physically 100%, or fuck, closer to because let’s be real, I don’t think anyone over 30 knows what feeling 100% actually feels like, but you know what I mean. At the very least I thought this cough might have ebbed a bit by now, but again, I am feeling fine. Better than fine, actually, I’m feeling ready.
There is this strange sort of calm that can wash over me before a big event. I feel it all the time when I am performing. The anxiety that maybe should be there is replaced by this quiet. I’ll stand in the wings, centering my breath, and just feel myself, dropped in and fucking ready. And today, that is how I’m feeling. I have put in the hours and the literal miles, many in fact, I tallied them all up, and I feel ready. There is nervous excitement to be sure, a sort of simmering energy just beneath the surface of the calm, but I think that is just adrenaline.
Which brings me to the fact that I am going to have to remind myself not to over exert myself on this. I have never run in a pack of people before. Even in gym class, as you beauts know, I walked the mile. Did it in my own time. So this? This running as a sort of human amoeba? I have no idea what that is going to be like. But, if I know anything about myself, my instincts are going to kick in and I’m going to try to keep up with everyone around me. I know this to be true. And today is going to be an active meditation in every single thing I’ve talked about for the last several weeks. So here is what I am going to focus on when those dark voices come back to the forefront of my mind:
- Remember your training.
- Make your whole foot connect with the ground. Heel toe, baby, heel toe.
- How is your breath? Are you breathing through your nose? And if not, can we try to take a few in that way?
- You have every right to be out here.
- You have nothing to prove to anyone.
- You are doing this for you.
- You can fucking do this.
This is all I have to focus on today. This is what is in my control. And listen, it’s kind of beautiful that I’m not really a contender for one of the finisher medals, right? My only goal today is to run this race to the best of my ability, and that has never included placing in the top three. And what a fucking gift that is, amiright?! God, can you imagine if like, the stakes were actually that high for this? Lord help me. But seriously, the only person I’m running against today is myself, and every hateful, negative, harmful thought and impulse and voice I have inside of me. And if I can show that voice love and compassion, if I can extend that love and compassion to myself, then that will be a win better than any medal. Though, you also know me well enough by now to know that I want the fucking medal too. I contain multitudes, what can I say.
Ok. I think that’s all for right now. I’ll try to check in when I’m on the island but who knows what that’ll be like. For now, I’m going to snuggle up to Colby, who continues to be the best human I’ve ever known, and have some water and another fig bar.
Love you all. Let’s fucking go.
POST-RUN MORTUM
Time Running: 40:52 minutes
Distance Achieved: 3.2 miles
Tunage: HADESTOWN DID YOU THINK I WOULD FINISH THIS BISH OUT WITH ANYTHING BUT MY FRIENDS!?!??!!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!
The wave of emotions I have been feeling y’all. Ok. Ok, I’m getting ahead of myself. But I am very much in my feelings right now. But let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.
Our journey began on the ferry after a short, albeit chilly, wait in line before boarding. The vibe was excited but not overly so. There were a lot of running clubs, which is something that I think is actually pretty common for these types of things. And also a lot of like, colleges and high school runners as well. You know what it felt like, it felt like the vibe of taking a PSAT. Like for most of these people, this race is important, but not the thing. Not like it is for me. And that’s fine. Honestly, it makes a certain sense because the big mama marathon is next week and I feel like a lot of people have been using this past week to gear up for that. So for many of the people there, this was just like, business as usual.
For me, a gauntlet that I had thrown for myself, and I wouldn’t walk away until I had drank from its golden rim.
But, yeah, so we got off the ferry and I bee-lined to where they were giving out the participation shirts because they said they might not have enough and if I was not going to be getting a medal – which was confirmed when I overheard someone else ask – I would be getting a shirt. So help me god, I would be getting a shirt.
After that, there was a good amount of time to kill. About an hour or so. And everyone around me was running or jogging. I couldn’t believe it and was left to wonder if this is just normal? Like, am I supposed to be doing that too? Is this what you do now? Before the race? Do you run before the run? I thought back to when I rowed crew and how before a race, we would run in the woods to warm up, but that was different, right? That was like, doing a different exercise before the sport. To run before the run felt…..chaotic, and a touch belabored? So I stretched. The stretching felt amazing, and Colby was just incredible throughout this whole thing. An absolute gem of a human. And I hydrated and I wished I had another fig bar, but what can you do, so stretch and do those little jumpy things that everyone does because everyone is doing it so you should too.
I went into major comparison mode for a bit, and I had to remind myself to stop focusing on everyone else.
At 8:30, there was an announcement about how we would start. They wanted us at the starting line before 9:00, and they were not allowing any late starts today because, wait for it, there were some people who they were anticipating completing the 5K in 15 minutes. 15 MINUTES. That’s a five-minute mile. I wish them well and would also love to know if they are in fact human. I am…..dubious. So around 8:50, the real-life-not-five-minute-mile human that I am kissed Colby goodbye and made my way to the starting line.
Something you should know about me: I don’t love crowds. I don’t like being in masses of people, and I don’t love waiting in large clumps of people. So, this was an incredible test of my anxiety when I found myself waiting in a large, clumping mass of a crowd. I felt my heart rate speed up and had to remind myself to breathe. I didn’t want to start my music, not yet, so I was incredible tuned in to everything around me. I looked around the other people in my time group and I marked who and where everyone was. These were going to be my running buddies, and I wanted to know where in space and time everyone was. To my left was an older man, directly in front of me, two women in tutus. Ahead of them, a trio of folks in jazy leggings and more tutus, and directly behind me, a gaggle of women in Day Of The Dead face makeup with stark red tutus. Tutus are apparently a big part of running? Did you know this? Because I didn’t know this? I was in the center of them, this hoard of tutus and my older gentleman friend, and in my mind, if I could stay in this bubble, it meant that I was keeping pace. That was my plan for the day: keep a pace, hold steady.
A few more stretches, and then the horn sounded.
Now, because I have a longer mile time, I was far back from the starting line, and because of that, I was not going to start my Couch To 5K app until I crossed that starting line. I wasn’t sure how the race tracked us and I wanted to be sure that it was accurate from me crossing the starting line.
And then I was off.
The trombone sounded in my ears as it has countless times before and there was a beautiful familiarity of my guy Runicorn telling me that we had many magical miles ahead. What was inherently different, however, were the people.
As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t run with people. I’ve never even had a run buddy during this process, so I don’t know what it is like running alongside people. And, staying true to form, your girl here did overexert herself on the first mile. I was moving right along, I was adding little bursts as I went up the first hill – of which there were several – and I was leaving behind my little running bubble that I originally wanted to stay in and alongside of. When we got to the first mile marker, it had been raining pretty hard and we were all cold and soaking wet, but I was astonished to see that I had run a 12-minute mile. 😱😱😱A first for me. I should have known that it was unsustainable, but this right here is why I now understand what people mean when they say that 5K’s are a tough length. It’s easy to get caught up in that initial GO. It’s easy to expel all of your energy right at the start. And if you push too much up at the top, you’ll burn yourself out.
1.5 miles brought the burnout. Or rather, the beginning of the burnout.
I was going too hard and I was pushing way too much, and then I realized that I was trying to beat these other runners, which, again, was stupid because I wasn’t going to win by beating anyone. This wasn’t about beating another runner. The only person I was in competition with was myself. It’s always only ever been me. So I dialed it back. I am proud to say that I didn’t walk once during this race. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but there was a moment as I headed into mile two, and there was a brutal hairpin turn in the course where it would have been so easy to drop it down and into a walk. But I kept on. I kept steady. I found my original run buddies. The trio was alternating walking and running, and the older man – who would become my buddy to the end – was pretty consistent throughout. When I caught a glimpse of the red tutus though, I would pick up my pace. I don’t know why they were my motivator, but if I saw a red tutu, I knew to pick it up.
Heel toe, heel toe, activate your glutes, steady your breathing.
Another micro hill.
Heel toe, heel toe, activate your glutes, steady your breathing.
The pavement is too slick.
Heel toe, heel toe, activate your glutes, steady your breathing.
Where is the third-mile marker?
Heel toe, heel toe, activate your glutes, steady your breathing.
I told myself this over and over, whenever I felt myself slipping into any kind of negative talk, and soon, there was this rhythm I found myself in. No foot shuffling, no tip-toeing around. My foot would make full contact with the ground and my breath would sustain me through the whole thing.
But here’s the thing; the second mile felt unending. Like I was trapped in some kind of purgatory where I kept thinking, “Ok, surely any moment now I’ll see the mile 3 marker”, but it just wouldn’t come. Because here is the other thing too; when I run with my guy Runicorn, I usually set sa timer, or the app has set a timer for me. I’m not looking at my phone, and I’m not necessarily tracking how far I am in my run. So to have literal markers with a time stamp on them? It was not what I was used to. And I wasn’t sure if I was on track or not.
Another turn, another hill, uneven pavement, the rain picked up a bit, but then, off in the distance, I saw it. The 3 mile marker. Shining like a beacon. It was far away, but see that tree up there? You can make it to that tree, I thought. And then I was at the tree. Great. Now see the hydrant, let’s do a power ten to get to that hydrant. And then it was behind me. On and on, marker after marker until finally, I made it to mile 3. Which meant that it was time for Wait For Me Reprise, and to burn out whatever energy I had left inside of me.
I burst past my running buddies, kept pushing onward and forward, just keep going, 500 more feet, 250 more feet, one hundred more feet.
And then I saw Colby and my friends Carrie and Naomi at the finish line, and I shifted lanes to run straight to them.
I threw my arms around Colby and just started crying. Big heaving sobs of tears through my heavy breath, laughter blended with exhaustion and overexertion and just blissed-out abject pride. And I think that’s it, right? That’s what it comes down to? It’s what I felt last week when I did my run on Saturday. Right? It has to be. Because again, I knew I could do this. I have run a 5K several times throughout this process, but there is something inherently overwhelming about reaching this literal finish line. And not only that, but I beat my best time and came in a 40:52. I have never, NEVER, completed a run like this in under 41 minutes. Were we cutting it close? Sure. But good god damn if I am not pleased as fucking punch with those numbers. And yeah, I probably did push a little too hard. Adrenaline and running against/with people was always going to be a factor in this. And yeah, my right leg hurts like a mother fucker right now and I will be icing it into eternity, but I did what I came to do. And I did it on my terms. And I didn’t fucking quit.
And then we got nachos and sweet potato fries, and now that I’m home I might make some brownies, you know? Because here’s the weird thing too; I have an appetite. For the first time in months. I have no idea what that is about, but my body is like FEED ME and right now, I’m inclined to do just that.
I can’t properly put into words what today felt like. Why it was so emotional. I’m sure I will be unpacking it for some time, but to have set this goal, to have been working toward this and to have completed it? It feels fucking incredible. And listen, there is a part of me that worries that I’ll fall off and stop running again. Especially since my knee needs some serious time to recover and actually rest before the juggernaut that will be next year kicks into gear. But there is also a part of me that knows that I am now a runner. I am. How fucking ridiculous is that, you know? But I am. This will always be a part of me. And I look forward to working toward a 10K and then a half marathon with the cherry on top being the New York City Marathon. I think that is my new goal.
But here’s the thing. And I will not deny having said this, in fact, I want you to hold me accountable and throw these words in my face should I ever contest them: I want to run the New York City Marathon, and I am going to take my time getting there. I am going to train, and rest, and recover, and strengthen, and rebuild, and eat, and lead myself with kindness and empathy and grace. I am going to run those 26+ miles with love inside of and for myself. And then I think there will not be enough nachos in the world to satiate me. There will not be a brownie decadent enough for I will have reached god level, and you better believe they will give me a medal on that day. But for today? I’m a content little potato, my dudes. Content and proud. I did what I came to do. On my terms. And I didn’t quit.
And now, I think I’ll go watch Brittany Runs A Marathon.
Are you kidding me, of course i’m not going to watch BRAM, have we learned nothing from this journey?
THE Post-Run Mortum
So, I thought it would be fun to compile everything together and to get some stats from all of the data I collected over the last few months. The findings are as follows and, personally, I find them to be staggering:
Total Time Running: 14.1 hours
Total Distance Achieved: 91.62 miles
Total Pages Written In Docs: 125
Tunage: Predominantly Hadestown, deal with it
I’m sorry, WHAT?!?!?!?!?!??! 91.26 miles?!?!?!?!??!?!?! 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱Leaping lizards, Batman, that BLOWS MY MIND. The perfectionist part of me wishes I had hit 100 miles, but listen, I’m not going to worry about that. And I’m definitely not going to try and squeeze in another 8.38 miles because that would be…….that would be crazy. That would be crazy. …………
Anyway.
I have a list of all the times and distances and thought it would be fun to put it into a chart, but since I have a BFA in musical theater and I zoned out during our math for life course at PU, I don’t think I did it right, but here are some charts of my progress.
Oooo, wow, lines.
And now dots!
But my personal favorite:
I know this isn’t right in any way shape or form, and I don’t know why it won’t recognize the very clear X and Y axis I am giving it but it’s hilarious and I kind of want to get this pie chart printed on a sweatshirt. No explanations. Just, this pie chart on a sweatshirt.
Truly, after this pie chart of chaos, there is nothing left to say on my heart except thank you. Thank you to every single one of you who have read this. Thank you to everyone who has offered advice and support, who have been nothing but supportive and excited. Thank you for believing in me an for bolstering me when I coudln’t do it for myself. I said at the start of this that I didn’t know why I was writing all of this. And to be honest, even now, I’m not sure why I started this process. But what I will say, being on the other side of it, I think I had to. I had to talk about these things that I have been so good at ignoring and keeping inside for so long. I needed an outlet to unpack all of the toxic misinformation and hurt that lives in my mind and body. It was not always easy, and there were many times when I worried about sharing my whole truth like this. Like I’ve said many times, I never want to worry you, you know? I never want to be the person that you need to check in on or that, god forbid, takes up space. But this process, this exercise, has taught me that, not only can I do those things, but that I should, and that there is a powerful community of allies and friends and incredible, intrepid humans who will, can, and have done anything for me. And that is perhaps the most overwhelming thing of it all. This love that I have felt so earnestly from each and every one of you. I thank you, from the bottom of my fat little heart, and I eagerly look forward to being able to return it to you ten fold.
We did it, y’all. We fucking did it.
And now, we ice and we brownie. We’ve earned it.
Love you all.
run 
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